My Passion and My Hate

Happy Halloween!! ;)

2010-10-31T09:37:00.002Z

LESTAT - The Chartreux Cat

2010-09-29T08:39:00.006+01:00

This beautiful kitten has become part of my family since last weekend. We picked him up from the breeder on Saturday 25-09-2010.

He was born 12-May-2010 and we named him Lestat, after Anne Rice's vampire character.

This photo was taken on the second day living in his new home, he adapted quite well to the environment and to his new owners.

More pics here:
http://picasaweb.google.com/109595168852353636929/GatoChartreuxChartreuxCatPortugal

The Dark Side of Sweetness

2010-09-28T18:47:00.003+01:00

About this Blog

2010-08-14T02:48:00.004+01:00

I know I haven't wrote much lately, just a loosen post here and there....

I started this blog at a very dark and frightening period of my life that started with the discovery of a lump on my left breast. At the time I felt the need to come here and give life to my deepest and scariest thoughts. If you start reading my posts chronologically you will understand and will be able to sense the evolution of my moods.

Apparently I can only find greater inspiration when I'm depressed and hurting inside or when something affects my life in a less positive way... yes, you can say I'm sort of a pessimistic person. Usually I can only see the dark side of things even that I know that there's often a brighter way of glimpsing at those same things and events that occur during our life.

Actually, this being said, it's not really a bad thing that I don't write so often. It just means I'm happier and enjoying my life the best I can and the best I know. Or at least making an effort to set me free from ghosts of the past. :)

Ta-ta for now!

"What If"

2010-08-10T22:02:00.013+01:00

Here you sit on your high-backed chair
Wonder how the view is from there
I wouldn't know 'cause I like to sit
Upon the floor, yeah upon the floor
If you like we could play a game
Let's pretend that we are the same
But you will have to look much closer
Than you do, closer than you do

And I'm far too tired to stay here anymore
And I don't care what you think anyway
'Cause I think you were wrong about me
Yeah what if you were, what if you were

And what if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep

I know you've got it figured out
Tell me what I am all about
And I just might learn a thing or two
Hundred about you, maybe about you
I'm the end of your telescope
I don't change just to suit your vision
'Cause I am bound by a fraying rope
Around my hands, tied around my hands

And you close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free
And put your hands over both your ears
Because you cannot stand to believe I'm not
The perfect girl you thought
Well what have I got to lose

And what if I'm a weeping willow
Laughing tears upon my pillow
What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone
What if I'm a toothless leopard
What if I'm a sheepless shepherd
What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home

You don't know me
Never will, never will
I'm outside your picture frame
And the glass is breaking now
You can't see me
Never will, never will
If you're never gonna see

What if I'm a crowded desert
Too much pain with little pleasure
What if I'm the nicest place you never want to go
What if I don't know who I am
Will that keep us both from trying
To find out and when you have
Be sure to let me know

What if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep
Sleep...
Sleep...

Artist: Emily Autumn
Song: What If
Album: Enchant

The Crying Game

2010-03-07T00:16:00.006Z

I can't stop crying even when I seem not to have any more tears left to cry.

Why am I always crying lately? I feel trapped, alone, hurt, ignored, unhappy and angry with life in general. I'm feeling so down now... sometimes I think I enjoy drowning in this sadness for a while. It's a way to feel some confort, even it if sounds a bit mad and contradictory.

I believe 2010 will be a year of resolution for me, I need to take care of my mental (in)sanity. Lately I just want to sleep through life, I just want to sleep and forget it hurts inside. I need to find some strenght deep inside to lift me up and enjoy the fine things in life. And I need some wishes to come true...

Should your happiness depend on others? Would it be easy for someone to make you happier? Should I depend and wait on that or should I just think about myself and look for happiness on my own? No one seems to understand what I want or need right now. And that makes me feel sad. I have tears in my eyes. :(

I really need this crying game to be over soon...

Believe?!

2010-01-27T20:23:00.016Z

[Male Voice]

That cross you wear around your neck;
is it only a decoration, or are you a
true Christian believer?

[Female Voice]
Yes, I believe - truly

[Male Voice]
Then I want you to remove it at once!
- and never to wear it within this castle again!
Do you know how a falcon is trained my dear?
Her eyes are sown shut.
Blinded temporarily she suffers the whims of
her God patiently, until her will is
submerged and she learns to serve -
as your God taught and blinded you with
crosses.

[Female Voice]
You had me take off my cross because it
offended....

[Male Voice]
It offended no-one. No - it simply appears
to me to be discourteous to... to wear
the symbol of a deity long dead.

[Male Voice]
My ancestors tried to find it. And to open
the door that seperates us from our Creator.

[Female Voice]
But you need no doors to find God.
If you believe....

[Male Voice]
Believe?! If you believe you are gullible.
Can you look around this world and believe
in the goodness of a god who rules it?
Famine, Pestilence, War, Disease and Death!
They rule this world.

[Female Voice]
There is also love and life and hope.

[Male Voice]
Very little hope I assure you.
No. If a god of love and life ever did
exist... he is long since dead.
Someone... something rules in his place.

Theatre Of Tragedy - Dialog From "And When He Falleth" Lyrics
Album: Velvet Darkness They Fear (1996)

Not 100% sure but I think that this dialog is taken from a horror movie called "The Masque of the Red Death" from 1964 with Vincent Price.

Happy New Year

2010-01-02T06:48:00.003Z

Why I hate Christmas

2009-12-23T20:11:00.027Z

Foremost it is all about spending extravagantly on gifts that probably most people won't value or won't like at all. There are loads of money being wasted in getting things that nobody wants and nobody cares for. Not even the closest friends nor family members truly know what others like or want sometimes.

I hate the runnings to the shopping malls, I hate mad crowds looking to buy that last minute gift that they forgot to buy. Christmas equals consumer madness.

I hate people who start shopping for xmas almost one year before.

I hate the fact that people only think about family, friendship, unity, charity, etc, in one specific date and not everyday. Those kind of feelings should be carried in your heart all year long.

I hate to get calls or sms from people who don't give a sh*t about me throughout the year, but as it is politically correct, do it anyway in this holiday time and wish me merry xmas and peace to the world and all that crap.

I hate to receive those template sms, where one serves all, with a stupid random message and a little ascii tree.

If there was a time when I ever liked Christmas? Yes, up until I was like 10 years old.

Before you buy any gifts, I strongly recommend you to read this book by

Joel Waldfogel, entitled "Scroogenomics: Why You Shouldn't Buy Presents
for the Holidays"

I clearly remember one random day, probably a couple of years ago, when I went to the pharmacy to get some medicines for myself and I noticed an old man next to me at the counter.

He had to buy so many medicines and had so little money to spend , due to unfairly low welfares, that he decided to leave more than half the products behind, even with the pharmacist insistently telling him it was important not to stop that medication.

Without wanting to be rude or self-important, I approached the old man (afraid of sounding disrespectful) and asked if he would allow me to pay for his medicines, the ones he was not going to buy. And I did. He felt overwhelmed and I felt good for being able to help someone. I will never forget that moment and that action.

That was a truly Christmas day for both of us.

Tribute to Adrift

2009-12-16T12:54:00.021Z

Adrift, my dear friend,

I was just listening to a song from a band called The Crüxshadows and I would like to dedicate their song "Eye of the Storm" to you. I know it's pretty long but pay attention to the lyrics carefully. :)

The trials you now are facing
They are not greater than your will
For there is nothing under heaven
You cannot overcome

See the door that lies before you
And know this too shall pass
The confrontation of your fears
In strength drawn from the past
Where the silent voices whisper
Find the course that is your own
And however great the obstacle
You will never be alone

For I have watched the path of angels
And I have heard the heavens roar
There is strife within the tempest
But there is calm in the eye of the storm

In fragments of an instant
The chaos has returned
And all that was left to sentiment
Beneath the banner burned

And as that voice was slow receded
Into echoes, memory
My doubts were re-ignited
And fear awakened from its sleep

I believe in what I fight for
And I have paid for it with pain
I am here because my contributions
May help turn this fate away

And all who stood by and did nothing
Who are they to criticize?
The sacrifices of others
Our blood has bought their lives
This is the moment of truth
At the point of no return
Place faith in your convictions
As the boundaries start to blur

There is no love untouched by hate
No unity without discord
There is no courage without fear
There is no peace without a war
There is no wisdom without regret
No admiration without scorn

There is strife within the tempest
But there is calm in the eye of the storm

The pages of our history
Are written by the hand
With eyes and ears and prejudice
Too far removed to understand

And so the heroes of the ages
Are stripped of honesty and love
To make them seem less noble
And hide what we can become

If you find the courage within you
To face the path ahead
It matters not the outcome
If what you will gain instead
Is a heart deepened in the knowing
That experience carves the soul
And the very thing that empties you
Shall surely make you whole

Where the silent voices whisper
Find the course that is your own
And however great the obstacle
You will never be alone

For I have watched the path of angels
And I have heard the heavens roar
There is strife within the tempest
But calm in the eye of the storm...

Beautiful lyrics don't you think? I wish you can find some hope in them.
I'll send you the song so that you can listen to it while you read it as well. :)

Don't want to sleep

2009-12-14T00:57:00.005Z

I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want it to be tomorrow. :(

The weekend has swiftly faded away once again and I have to go back to the real and ugly reality of another working week... I hate Mondays *sighs* and Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays!! I only start to feel alive again on Fridays.

Don't want to fall asleep, maybe if I don't tomorrow never comes...

Woke up feeling good

2009-12-06T22:29:00.003Z

Today I woke up feeling good.

A goods night's out can be better than a good night of sleep. ;)

This morning (cof cof afternoon ) my boyfriend woke me up and I instantly looked at the watch which showed 6 o'clock. And I remember thinking: "hmm I wonder if it's 6 am or 6 pm?... oh wait, it has to be 6 pm because at 6 am I was still at the club dancing." :D

I had a very lousy week and was really in need of a decompression during the weekend. Finally Saturday came and I could have fun without thinking of anything else. Sometimes it's good not to think, just feel... just enjoy being with great people who can really understand and read your mind, without criticism nor judgement.

Lately I've been surprised in a good way by some people.

I've grown a little stronger today and that feels really good. :)

Vampires

2009-11-27T19:39:00.003Z

Lost

2009-11-21T21:58:00.005Z

My head aches like hell, it is full and empty of thoughts at the same time.

Sometimes I don't want to be me. Sometimes I don't even want to exist. I don't want to think. I just want to feel numb... to stop this painful sensation.

What is wrong with me? I'm tired and I want control of my life back, cause I feel like I'm losing it...

Can anyone see my pain?

MMORPG

2008-07-16T20:16:00.022+01:00

Beginning of last year only I was introduced to MMORPG's (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games) with the launch of the game Lord of the Rings Online.
Since then I've become slightly addicted to this kind of games... :P

I'm currently playing 2 games simultaneously.

Lord of the Rings Online

EU Server:
Snowbourn

Characters:
Luriel, Guardian (50)
Luriwen, Lore-master (50)
Lurieth, Hunter (36)

www.lotro-europe.com

Age of Conan

EU Server:
Dagon

Characters:
Sacrifice, Demonologist (8)
Bloodmoon, Necromancer (9)

www.ageofconan.com

Say hello if you spot me there! ;-)

Perfect Love

2008-07-01T22:14:00.006+01:00

Peel off my skin, make me helpless

Taste my body

Let me die in your sweet embrace